What is needed
"They must admit they did not receive the love and nurture they needed, and many of the messages they learned may have been wrong."
(Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, Laaser, 2004)
I may have been loved and nurtured, but maybe not in a way that I needed. I was read to, hugged, told I was loved, given what I asked, disciplined accordingly, and given a healthy diet. My parents loved me, and they still love me. Maybe though, the love they showed and gave me, lived out, wasn't exactly what I needed, or what I now need.
To love someone exactly as they need is an impossible expectation to assume from someone who is perhaps doing their best, given the circumstances of their life and my responses to their love. It is difficult in the very least to Know the perfect response to a child's hurts and joys. To love exactly as needed is to have the "right" response, when someone is crying, how to comfort, and how much, and when, and what words to say, and what words not to say, and when to stop talking and just hug, and when to walk away, and how far away to walk, and when to come back and check in, and when not to....
And everyone is different. Every child is different. Every moment is unique, with different emotions, and expectations from previous experiences, and different chemicals in the body depending on what was for breakfast and what cycle of life someone is in. There is simply too much to Know if one is to respond in the way that is needed.
To respond as closely to "needed" as possible is possible, and can be assumed, given general cause and effect, it is risky, but there are not many alternatives. Either we respond the best we can, or we do not respond at all. Either my parents cared, or they didn't. As I look back on whether or not they responded as I needed, I too need to have a healthy dose of grace on them as I know they cared and do care.
They just did their best given the circumstances of our lives.
(Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, Laaser, 2004)
I may have been loved and nurtured, but maybe not in a way that I needed. I was read to, hugged, told I was loved, given what I asked, disciplined accordingly, and given a healthy diet. My parents loved me, and they still love me. Maybe though, the love they showed and gave me, lived out, wasn't exactly what I needed, or what I now need.
To love someone exactly as they need is an impossible expectation to assume from someone who is perhaps doing their best, given the circumstances of their life and my responses to their love. It is difficult in the very least to Know the perfect response to a child's hurts and joys. To love exactly as needed is to have the "right" response, when someone is crying, how to comfort, and how much, and when, and what words to say, and what words not to say, and when to stop talking and just hug, and when to walk away, and how far away to walk, and when to come back and check in, and when not to....
And everyone is different. Every child is different. Every moment is unique, with different emotions, and expectations from previous experiences, and different chemicals in the body depending on what was for breakfast and what cycle of life someone is in. There is simply too much to Know if one is to respond in the way that is needed.
To respond as closely to "needed" as possible is possible, and can be assumed, given general cause and effect, it is risky, but there are not many alternatives. Either we respond the best we can, or we do not respond at all. Either my parents cared, or they didn't. As I look back on whether or not they responded as I needed, I too need to have a healthy dose of grace on them as I know they cared and do care.
They just did their best given the circumstances of our lives.
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