normal feelings
What I've been medicating all along has just been normal feelings.
I developed an addiction in order to avoid my normal feelings and emotions. This addiction allows me to avoid my feelings by distracting me temporarily from dark hurts that I don't want to feel. This doesn't deal with the hurt, it only pushes it away, but it does feel better for a time. There is guilt and shame associated with addiction, it's clearly not the healthy helpful way to cope with the dark hurts on the inside; the interior world is uncharted territory and therefore even more intimidating a place to venture into. It feels like it's better to just leave what's inside inside and what's outside outside.
Today I felt this specifically. Thinking about my childhood. I was treated well. But I still hurt. What I'm hurting from are normal emotions that I've never confronted. I have almost never dealt appropriately with perfectly normal hurts and feels. I've been systematically dealing with these things via distractions and addictions.
Addiction is the human condition. No one is not attached. There is nobody attached to nothing. We all have our things that we want and think we need. We all have things within or without, things we do not and may never understand, which influence us deeply. Yet none of us truly enjoy and feel made whole by these things.
I'm perfectly normal to have hurts that I'm trying to avoid. I'm perfectly normal to have an addiction. I'm even normal to want to loosen the grip of and escape the addiction altogether. I'm pursuing something that fills me and brings me to me, by releasing the hold of the deliberate addiction.
Only then am I able to see the more subtle things that have hold of me. The hungers, the cravings, the fears, the desires.... We shall see very soon. I'll do my best to listen to myself and whatever other influences are working on me, currently unbeknownst to me.
Normal feelings will come, and with healthy digestion of them, they will go. I don't have to let them get to me forever. I can let them get to me for a short time, allowing that I process them differently. I haven't had the habit, and that will make the difference.
Healthy habits like sharing how I'm feeling. At least every night with my wife. And ideally as soon as I'm feeling them, to myself or to who I need to share them with.
I developed an addiction in order to avoid my normal feelings and emotions. This addiction allows me to avoid my feelings by distracting me temporarily from dark hurts that I don't want to feel. This doesn't deal with the hurt, it only pushes it away, but it does feel better for a time. There is guilt and shame associated with addiction, it's clearly not the healthy helpful way to cope with the dark hurts on the inside; the interior world is uncharted territory and therefore even more intimidating a place to venture into. It feels like it's better to just leave what's inside inside and what's outside outside.
Today I felt this specifically. Thinking about my childhood. I was treated well. But I still hurt. What I'm hurting from are normal emotions that I've never confronted. I have almost never dealt appropriately with perfectly normal hurts and feels. I've been systematically dealing with these things via distractions and addictions.
Addiction is the human condition. No one is not attached. There is nobody attached to nothing. We all have our things that we want and think we need. We all have things within or without, things we do not and may never understand, which influence us deeply. Yet none of us truly enjoy and feel made whole by these things.
I'm perfectly normal to have hurts that I'm trying to avoid. I'm perfectly normal to have an addiction. I'm even normal to want to loosen the grip of and escape the addiction altogether. I'm pursuing something that fills me and brings me to me, by releasing the hold of the deliberate addiction.
Only then am I able to see the more subtle things that have hold of me. The hungers, the cravings, the fears, the desires.... We shall see very soon. I'll do my best to listen to myself and whatever other influences are working on me, currently unbeknownst to me.
Normal feelings will come, and with healthy digestion of them, they will go. I don't have to let them get to me forever. I can let them get to me for a short time, allowing that I process them differently. I haven't had the habit, and that will make the difference.
Healthy habits like sharing how I'm feeling. At least every night with my wife. And ideally as soon as I'm feeling them, to myself or to who I need to share them with.
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